Back To September
by Bella Gattino
Summary: When Bella feels that she isn't enough for Jake she pulls away. Can she ever fix what she destroyed? Can she ever get Back to September?
1. Prologue

_Author's Note: A huge thank you goes out to Mist for being the world's greatest Beta. An enormous thank you goes to Chele for telling me about the song that inspired this story. (Yeah I'm still not admitting that I bought it :P) Without you girl, this one would have never come to be, so thank you._

_I love you both more than words can explain!_

_Hugs, Embry & Sam kisses!_

**Prologue**

_March_

I stared at Jacob across the sea that separated us. A sea that he had built to keep me out; to keep me from hurting him again.

I watched as he slowly ripped the paper napkin in front of him to shreds. Anything to keep from looking up at me.

I inhaled deeply. This wasn't supposed to be this hard, "So how have you been?" I was shocked at how strong my voice sounded, I felt weaker than I had ever in my life.

His eyebrows lifted, he licked his lips, "Good. I've been busy." His hands stilled for a moment, "You?"

I waited to reply, willing him to look up at me. Finally with a silent sigh of defeat I replied, "I've been good to. I took a few weeks off."

"That's good." He answered noncommittally.

Sometimes I didn't know why I tried, "I'm sorry Jake."

Finally he lifted his eyes to my face. His gaze was so intense, so deep as if he could see into the deepest darkest parts of my soul. I found myself lowering my eyes, cursing my weakness the entire time.

"For what?" His voice clear, he asked. He knew exactly what far. The whole reason why he sat on the other side of this tiny cafe table a million miles away.

"For everything."

We both jumped slightly as his phone beeped. I watched as he lifted it, and saw the look of relief flash across his face as he placed it against his ear.

"Hey." I watched his face as he listened to whom ever was on the other end of the line. His eyes glancing around, seeing nothing as he nodded, "Yeah, that's not a problem. I'm not that far away actually, a few minutes." I sighed knowing that he was leaving, "Yeah I'm on my way. Tell him I'll be right there. Yeah thanks." He clicked the end button on the phone and slid it into his jeans pocket. I searched his eyes as he looked at me, his wall so perfectly in place I couldn't read a thing, "I'm sorry. There's been a problem a the shop. I've got to go."

I nodded and bit my lip, "That's fine. Thanks for making time for me."

"Sure, sure." He replied with a smile that didn't reach his eyes as he pushed up from the table, "Talk to you later."

"Yeah." I replied quietly watching him as he turned and headed toward the door. I watched him through the window to my right as he crossed the parking lot, the rare sun highlighting his russet skin, and settled himself on the motorcycle he had roared in on earlier.

This one was different from the ones that we had built all those years ago. This was huge, the metal stretched across the frame like muscles, reminding me so much of Jake. He pushed the kickstand up and kicked it off, the roar rattling the window beside me for a moment. I watched him as he made his way out of the parking lot, never looking back.

I spent the next two hours staring out that same window, seeing nothing but the memories of my life. The memories of all the joy, and of all the mistakes that I had made. It seemed to me, as I thought about it later, that there were many more memories of my mistakes than of the joy in my life.

There were so many memories of joy with Jake. He was the one thing in my life that I could remember perfectly, his eyes were etched in my mind, his smile would be forever tattooed on my heart. There had been a time that I would have done anything to make him smile. Now I would do anything just to have him look at me.

Our life had been so perfect together, of course I would say that _now_. Hindsight is always 20/20. There had been a time that I had been so perfectly happy, so worry free that I really didn't know how bad life could eat you up and spit you out.

When I left Forks, I really believed that it was time, time for me to spread my wings to fly. Little did I know my wings were nothing more than a paper-mache illustration, and the Fates would be ushering hail storms and hurricanes into my life.

I never dreamed that I would be back in Forks, the soul provider for a father who couldn't remember my name and I never believed that I would be here alone without the only bright spot left in my life.

I sighed and stood from the table and made my way out into the sunshine, it's light failing to warm me.


	2. Chapter 1

I turned into the drive way of Charlie's house, my house now and stepped out of the car passing Anna's car on the way. I climbed the stairs and pushed open the front door.

"Anna?" I called as I placed my purse on the table beside the stairs.

"In Charlie's room." She called back.

I turned to my left and made my way through the kitchen into what used to be the dining room. I slid open the door and smiled as I entered, the smile was fake it always was when I looked down at my father. The man who had always been so strong was now a shell of his former self, literally.

I bit back the tears at her looked at me and said nothing. I wished everyday to have him turn to me and say "Hey Bells." But that day never came, and it never would.

"Hi Dad."

"Say hi to Bella, Charlie." Anna filled in for him.

"Hello Bella." He replied automatically.

"How are you doing?"

"Good." He answered slowly.

_May, 2 Years Earlier_

_I had been in my final year of college, two day before finals when the call came. I had been knee deep in lecture notes as the RA of my dorm knocked on my door telling me that I had a phone call. It had been well after midnight and my heart dropped. Any call that was allowed to come through this late was never a good call. I worried my lip as I traveled down that hallway, my feet leaden, my heart racing. I slowly picked up the phone knowing that the person on the other end of the line would change my life for ever._

"Hello?" My voice shook as I spoke.

"Bella, it's Billy Black." My heart dropped, it was either Jake or Dad, I knew in an instant and neither was something I was willing to give up.

"What's wrong Billy?" I asked both hands holding onto the phone as if it was the only thing keeping me standing.

"There has been an accident, a wreck. Your dad," He paused and my heart shattered along with my life, falling to my feet in a thousand shards, "You need to come home."

"Billy," I started, then stopped unable to ask the question that I desperately needed to know, "Is he dead?"

"No, but he's bad Bella. How soon can you be here?"

I sighed, if he wasn't dead I could manage. He could get better. Couldn't he? "I'll be there by morning."

"Okay, good. Come to the hospital."

I placed the phone back to the base and turned my mind a fog as traveled back down the hallway. I would not remember returning back to my room, packing a bag, emailing my professors or most the drive home. It was just a part of my life that was gone, never to get back. I pulled up outside the hospital, seeing Billy's truck and nearly every squad car the town of Forks had sitting in the parking lot. I rubbed my now dry, raw eyes as I passed through the sliding doors.

It hadn't taken me long to find out where my Dad was at, it turned out all I had to do was follow the line of officers that lined the hallway outside the emergency room. I paused at the desk outside the double doors and looked down at the nurse.

"Bella," She gasped as she saw me and I felt like I couldn't breath. How bad was it? I didn't want to enter those doors. I wanted to go home and curl up on the couch and watch a stupid baseball game with Dad as he drank a beer. I wanted to pack him a lunch as he and Harry laughed at the kitchen table before a Sunday fishing trip. I wanted to go to Carver's with him on Thursday and have our traditional berry cobbler. "Go on in, he's in room 12."

"Thank you," I managed to push out before a buzzer sounded and the doors swung open. I forced my feet forward not knowing where I found the strength to move through the doors and down the hall.

I turned the corner and saw Billy in his chair outside the room, his head in his hands. Was I too late, was he gone? Please God no, I screamed in my mind as I ran down the hallway toward Billy. He looked up as I neared him and I dropped to my knees and slid to his side, my heart in my throat. "Billy? Please, tell me."

"They just brought him back from the CAT scan. He's bad Bella. He's got severe head trauma. They don't know if he will wake up." As he spoke he took his hands in mine.

"What happened?" I asked, my vision blurred by the tears that filled my eyes.

"He was filling in for one of the cops, so he was working a night shift and he was giving a ticket. I don't think he ever saw the truck. Mitch was drunk, and he probably never saw Charlie or the car. He was run over as he went back to his cruiser."

I couldn't stop the tears as I listened to Billy. I lowered my head, resting it against the side of his chair, the metal cold against the heat of my face. I don't know how long I sat there, my body aching with the force of my sobs, before I felt Jacob's strong arms wrapping around me.

"Shh." His warmth bleeding to me as he lifted me against his chest. "I've got you." He whispered as he carried down the hallway to the semi private waiting room.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my fingers holding tightly onto his shirt, his hands running up and down my back. "I've got to go to him." I stuttered through my tears.

"They are moving him to ICU, they will come and tell us when they have him settled and we can see him for a few minutes." He replied and I lifted my head to see Billy, Harry, Sue and a few other of Charlie's friends scattered around the room. Billy rolled to a stop beside us, his eyes unfocused.

I realized later, that the entire time that I sat in Jake's lap, his strong arms protecting me from the world for just a moment, that no one ever comforted me. No one took my hand in theirs, telling me that everything would be okay; that Charlie was tough and he'd make it out fine. I realized later that they had known how bad it was, and knew that it was a lost cause.

While I was devastated and crushed, I was still hopeful that he would be fine as we slowly made our way toward the ICU. I pulled Jake's warmth around me while he held my hand as we entered the double doors and made our way to room 14B.

Billy entered first pushing the light blue curtain out of his way. Jake pulled the curtain back for me as I slipped through, his hand sliding out of mine as I crossed the room.

I saw the monitors first, their constant beeping pulling my attention to their multicolored faces. I stared at them for a moment before I realized that I had been reading each one, and I slowly turned toward the man that had been my rock my entire life. My breath left me as I took in his form and I felt my knees buckle, my body unable to take the shock of seeing Charlie like that and keep me standing.

"Bella!" Jake whispered wrapping his arms around my waist pulling me to his body. His strength the only thing keeping me from melting to the floor wallowing in the sadness that lapped at my feet waiting to pull me under, drowning me in it's darkness.


	3. Chapter 2

A little less than a week later after the debacle with Jake at the cafe I descended the stairs and headed toward Charlie's room. Today was Friday, Anna would be leaving in a few hours for her weekend and Billy would be here in an hour for his weekly visit with Charlie.

I knocked on Charlie's door and pushed it open when Anna called. "Hi Dad." I smiled down at Charlie, again it was fake and would be until he called my name.

"Say hi to Bella, Charlie."

"Hello Bella." He looked at me, and I could tell that he knew he was supposed to remember me and that was enough for me, for the moment.

"I'm going to cook dinner. Billy will be here in a little while, would you like me to fix you anything."

"No, I just ate with Charlie." Anna replied with a smile. I would be so lost without her, and I again sent a prayer heavenward that she had been so willing to work with me after Charlie's insurance company canceled his contract.

"Okay, thank you." I moved from the room and made my way to the kitchen. I always fixed too much to eat when Billy came to visit it was some twisted hope that Jake would be with his father. He hadn't been to see Charlie in over a month, so most of the food was packed up and sent with him as he left.

As I worked I listened for the honk of Billy's horn, heralding his arrival so that I could come and pull his chair out of back of the truck. We had installed a ramp off the side of the front porch, after Charlie had come home, so it made getting him into the house easier. So I was shocked when I heard a knock on the door instead of the horn. I wiped my hand on a towel beside me and exited the kitchen. I pulled open the door to find Billy and Jake laughing about something on the stoop.

"Hello Bella!" Billy called as Jake pushed him into the house.

"Hey!" I bent and hugged Billy's neck and turned my attention to Jake, "Hi."

"Hey." He replied and my heart raced as his shy smile moved onto his face.

I shook my head, clearing my head of the million thoughts that were dancing through my head, "Lunch is almost served. Charlie's waiting on you."

"Good." Billy nodded and made his way to Charlie's room.

I turned and reentered the kitchen going to the stove. _"Could he possibly be ready to forgive me?"_ My mind was so wrapped up in my thoughts, my heart pounding with hope that I didn't even hear Jake as he came into the room.

"Bella?" I turned quickly, shock catching in my throat as I saw how close he was to me, "I've been calling your name."

"I'm so sorry." I replied with a shake of my head, "I'm kinda out of it today."

"It's okay," he replied and moved back to the small table behind me. "How is work?"

"It's good. I've got the Mullens contract," I told him. "I didn't know what they were going to need or even if they were going to hire me." I turned around from the stove so I could see his face, "They want a complete overhaul of their internet security systems."

"Wow, so that like a really good thing right?"

"Oh yeah, I'm looking at probably three years of just the domestic work."

"That is great, it really couldn't have come at a better time." I nodded and rolled my eyes.

"That's putting it lightly. If it hadn't been for Anna being willing to work for nothing for that first month after the cancellation I'd be sunk. There is no way I could have got all the paperwork ready for them and managed to take care of him."

"We would have found a way." He replied and I saw a look cross his face as his words hit him. He shook his head slightly, "So what did you have to do to get them to reinstate Charlie's insurance?"

I sighed, hating how he skirted the obvious, "When I got my first pay check I hired a lawyer to look at his contract and the contract they have with the state of Washington. There was a statement somewhere in the state's contract that mentioned catastrophic injury, and them not being able to cancel the contract on those terms, so he threatened them and suddenly I had a phone call" Jake laughed and I nodded. "I was relieved, I could probably manage to pay for the things that he needs right now, but what about in three years? It's nerve wrecking."

"I can just imagine." His eyebrows creased and his gaze became searching. I forced myself to stay where I was, and not turn away from his gaze.

We both looked toward the door as Billy rolled through the door. "He seems stronger."

"Yeah he is." I replied turning back to the stove, "He's doing almost everything on his own."

"Yeah that's what Anna said. She said he shaved two days ago."

"Yeah, I'm proud she didn't tell me about it until after." I said with a laugh.

Billy rolled to the table and paused beside me, "He will make it through this. If anyone can come back from this, Charlie Swan can." I nodded and blinked back the tears that suddenly flooded into my eyes.

"Who's ready to eat?" I asked, changing the subject.

"I don't know about Jake but I'm starving. What is it today?" Billy asked as I pulled the pot from the stove.

"Vegetable soup today, it's cold enough for it today."

"Sounds great." Billy said.

Jake stared at me as I gathered our bowls and silverware before I pulled the cornbread out of the oven. I hadn't intended to, but I had fixed one of Jake's favorite meals of mine. I couldn't be happier with my last minute decision to change to soup.

I had eaten slowly, any way for me to extend the time I had with Jake. Time that he was open and seemed happy, not closed and quiet. I turned my attention to Billy as he looked down at his watch and gasped, "Jake, we have got to be going."

"What time is it?"

"A quarter to twelve."

"Shit!" Jake replied and stood from his chair.

"I'm sorry Bella I hate to leave like this but I've got an appointment in Port Angeles in a few hours and this was the only day that Jake could take off to take me." Billy explained as they made their way to the door, no clue that my heart was shattering as I realized the reason why Jake was with his father. Jake hadn't come to see me, he hadn't come to my house on his own terms. He wasn't forgiving me.

"Oh, okay. Be careful." I replied as I followed them to the door. I kept a death grip on my emotions as I watched Billy and Jake make their way to Billy's truck.

As they pulled out of the driveway, the first of a million tears inched it's way down my face.


	4. Chapter 3

_June, Present Day_

I balanced the phone between my shoulder and ear and made my way down the stairs, from Charlie's room that I had redecorated to an office. "Yes, I can have the first part of the rebuild done in two weeks time." I spoke into the phone. It was a blessing to be able to work from home but it could be hectic at times also. I pulled open the front door to a smiling Harry Clearwater. I grinned as he silently handed me two bags of his fish fry. I mouthed _sorry_ as Greg began speaking again on the phone.

"It's fine," Harry whispered and pointed toward Charlie's room. I nodded and followed him to the kitchen where I put the fish in the fridge.

I bounded back up the stairs, listening to Greg hoping I could remember all the details he was counting off at a mind numbing rate.

Forty-five minutes later I descended the stairs and heard Charlie's voice.

"How is-" He paused and I sprinted the rest of the way to his door way.

"Sue." Harry supplied for him. "She is fine. So are the kids, Leah and Seth." Charlie nodded and looked at me. The thoughtful look was on his face again, but once again he didn't say anything. Harry looked over his shoulder at me, "He started to remember things about me and Billy."

"That is so great!" I exclaimed. "I'm so happy Dad. I'm gonna call Billy maybe he can come over."

"That would be great." Harry replied and I left the room.

The phone rang twice before Billy's voice flowed over the line, "Hello."

"Billy! It's Bella can you get here to the house?"

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

"Nothing! Harry is here and Dad is remembering things." I told him in a rush.

"Oh! I'll be there in just a few minutes." I heard him call for Jake as he placed the phone on the receiver. I hoped against all hope that Jake would be with him, it would make a great day, perfect.

I paced the floors of the living waiting for Billy, hoping that there would be a knock instead of the horn just like last week.

My hopes deflated with the gusto of a popped balloon as I heard Billy's horn honk twice. I sighed and opened the front door and flew down the stairs to the back of Billy's truck.

"How is he?"

"When I left he was laughing at something Harry had said."

"Oh! That amazing." Billy replied as I pulled the chair out beside his door. I helped him get settled in his chair and pushed him up the ramp. I wheeled him into the house and into Charlie's room.

"Billy." Charlie's eyes lit up as he saw his best friend, as if he knew he had been missing him but couldn't tell anyone.

"Charlie! I'm so happy see you are coming back!"

Charlie nodded, "I know there is still so much I need to remember," He said and looked at me. It broke my heart for him to admit that he didn't remember me, it made it so real it was a cold slap in the face.

I sat down behind Harry and Billy and listened as they recounted all of their adventures, laughing at most but crying at some.

At a little after four I stepped out of the room unable to stand anymore memories, their weight heavier as I knew which ones he was missing. I sat down at the table, my eyes staring unseeing out the window. I felt the tears start, and I felt my heart ache.

At that moment I would have given the world to have Jacob there, to lessen the pain as he wrapped his arms around me. I missed him so much at that moment I found myself dialing the too familiar number. As soon as I realized what I was doing I hung up. He had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to be around me, to be there for me. I knew it was my own fault but it didn't lessen the pain at all.

I moved to the fridge, in a feeble attempt to keep myself busy as my mind rehashed all the mistakes I had made.

_February, One Year Earlier_

"I can't do this!" I cried staring at Jake.

"You can't do what? I'm not asking anything!" He roared back.

"Jake I just can't do this, us. I need time."

"You need time? I'm not asking anything of you. I want to come to your house and cook you supper on Valentine's day. I know you are stressed out." I rolled my eyes, stressed was a light way to put it.

"Jake can't we just forget this holiday? I'll buy you a card or something."

"I don't want you to buy me anything." His tone was softer, and it pulled at my heart strings. "I miss you Bells. I just want us to be together, just for a few hours with nothing else. I just want to be with you."

I turned to look at him and I felt my heart break as I looked at him, he wasn't even asking me for anything and I could still give him nothing. How could he want to be with me? How could want to stay with someone who couldn't take care of herself, let alone deal with a relationship. "No Jake. I'm sorry. I just need some time. Please."

He sighed, his defeat ringing loudly in the room. "It's okay." He moved across the floor to me and kissed my forehead before slowly making his way to the door. I sat down heavily on the couch, my head in my hands. How did my life get this screwed up?

I moved from the couch to Charlie's room, Anna was watching him carefully as she thought he might have pneumonia. The thought of losing Charlie after all he had been through sent a chilling lick of fear down my spine. It didn't matter that he didn't remember me, I was just not ready to give him up yet.

"How is he?" I asked as I paused at the end of Charlie's bed. His chest rose and fell silently as he slept.

"He's okay, but I believe we will have to take him tomorrow."

I nodded, "I'll go pack my bags."

Charlie had been diagnosed with pneumonia, just as Anna had said, and had spent just a little over a week in the hospital. His numerous well wishers had brought him flowers, cards and the silly balloons with an amazing variety of animals each sporting a band aid or cast, all declaring a get well wish.

On the 14th Billy came to the hospital and nestled in his lap was a vase of blood red roses. While he never said, I knew the roses weren't for Charlie. I knew I needed to call Jake and thank him for the flowers, I knew it would hurt him if I didn't. But I didn't.

Three days later, I carried Charlie out to the car, his menagerie of well wishing gifts nestled in the car.

I didn't realize until later that the roses were left in his room.


	5. Chapter 4

_August, Present Day_

"Hello." Billy's voice carried through the phone.

"Billy, it's Bella." I steadied my voice the best that I could.

"Is everything okay?" He asked, the tension ringing clearly in his voice.

"Yeah, Charlie is okay. I was actually calling about Charlie's birthday."

"Okay."

"I don't want to do much, but I would like it if you and Jake came. It will be Harry, Sue and the kids and you if you can make it," I had just called the Clearwater's, unable to muster up the courage to call Billy at first, "I'll cook a little something and perhaps seeing everyone will help him a long."

"That sounds really good. When are you planning on doing this?"

"I'm still planning that part. Anna will have to be here to help me get him out of the bed and she's here Monday through Thursday all day. I was thinking maybe on his birthday, Tuesday?" I glanced down at the paper in front of me, at all the notes I had scribbled when I started planning this.

"Tuesday is good for us, I think this is just what he needs."

"I hope so, he's made so many improvements lately, I just hope-" I couldn't say it. I couldn't say that I wished my own father would remember my name, remember me. It made it too real.

"He will Bells. He's remembered Harry and myself. He will remember you." Billy determination showed in his voice and I couldn't help but smile; the trait had carried down to his son and it was one of the best things about Jake. When the Blacks put their mind to something, it happened no matter what.

"Thanks Billy, I look forward to seeing you two Tuesday."

"See you then." I held the phone to my ear after Billy ended the call.

A week later found me moving from the make shift dining room I had set up in the living room, after moving the couch against the far wall and the recliner in front of the window beside the fireplace. I looked back at my handiwork and was pleased with the results. The table was a kaleidoscope of oranges, yellows and browns. I had always loved the fall, the colors so vivid against each other and it settled beautifully in the living room bringing the room to life.

I moved from the table as someone knocked on the door and I smiled as I saw the Clearwater's on the top stoop. I opened the door and welcomed them in warmly.

"I couldn't resist," Sue said as she handed me a casserole dish full her of her famous mac and cheese.

"I am so happy you did. Dad always loved your cooking. Thank you so much." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and hugged her.

"How is he?" Sue asked as she followed me into the kitchen.

"He's still making improvements. While the doctor said he will never walk again he is able to move himself from the bed to his wheelchair by himself."

"Do they know why he suddenly started making so much progress? Not that I'm complaining I'm just curious."

"Oh, I've said the same thing; but they really haven't said. The only thing that the doctor said is that it's just time for his body to really start to heal; and the doctors did tell me that. They said that whatever is left after two years is usually what he will be left with but that with as much trauma as his body had suffered that it would take a while for his body to heal before the other improvements would show."

"I'm so happy to see him slowly coming back. Harry said that he was so different the last time he saw him."

I busied myself with stacking napkins that were already perfectly staked as I replied, "Yeah, he really seemed to recognize Harry the last time, and it was the same way with Billy a few days ago."

"Well we have faith that he will come back completely." Sue said and patted my hand.

"Thank you." I looked toward the living room as someone knocked on the door. "Oh, that's probably Billy and Jake. I'll be right back."

I glanced out the window as I neared the door and saw Billy's truck pulling out of the driveway. I pulled open the door to find Billy, alone on the stoop. "Hey Billy." I looked over his shoulder and saw Jake as he drove down the road. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay, he hadn't even stopped long enough to say hello.

"Hey, Jake had a meeting he couldn't miss." Billy said as I pulled him into the house.

"Oh," My voice was clear, "That's too bad."

Once again there was nothing that I could do, as I had been just as cold to Jake at one time. I busied myself with the party, my mind a million miles away.

_September, One Year Earlier_

I sighed as I worried my lip while I flipped through my date book. It was two days until my birthday and once again I felt like the world was trying to bury me. Charlie had just been released from the hospital from his second bout of pneumonia; my last contract had been completed, I had no other work coming up and money seemed to be leaking out of my bank account at an ever increasing rate.

I didn't even look at the caller id as the phone rang, "Hello." I spoke into the receiver as I placed the phone between my chin and shoulder.

"Hey baby." Jake's voice rolled out of the phone, wrapping it's self around me warming me and filling me with a sense of contentment.

"Hey Jake." I closed my book and leaned back in the chair, "How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm calling to see what you are doing for your birthday."

"Besides sitting home and crying?"

"Oh Bells." I felt his sympathy in his voice and it made me ache.

"I'm okay. I don't think I'm up to anything this year."

"I want to do something for you." His sincerity was evident, "Please."

I sighed softly, I really just wanted this birthday to go away but I couldn't tell Jake no, "Fine but nothing big. I'm just not in the mood."

"I promise. So I'll see you Wednesday night around 8?"

"Yeah, I'll be there then."

"Love you Bells."

"Love you too Jake." I replied and ended the call.

My birthday found me sitting in the floor between the coffee table and couch attempting to balance Dad's accounts along with mine. He had been blessed with a small insurance fund for on job injures such as his, while it didn't do much it did help.

I sighed as the phone rang, I quickly jotted down the last entry I was working on before picking up the phone, "Hello."

"Isabella Swan please." The voice was masculine, one that I had never heard before.

"This is she." I lowered my pen, concentrating on the call.

"This is John Cibel from ABL Insurance." Just his words caused my stomach to tighten as if I knew what was to come, "I am very sorry but the company's board of trustees has voted to terminate your father's insurance policy."

"What?" I whispered unable to breath in enough air to make the words louder.

"I'm sorry, but this call is to inform you that you from the 20th of this month we will no longer honor any more statements from your father's doctors."

"So what am I supposed to do? I thought this was supposed to be a policy that covered any on the job injuries." I knew I had read that somewhere in his paper work.

"Yes, it is but he has been deemed a liability and if you will see your contract it is stated that we can terminate any contract at any time once the holder is deemed a liability." His voice was cold, as if he was telling the weather not telling me that he had just taken away the only safety net I had.

"Is there anything I can do? Can I petition the company to reinstate his insurance?"

"Yes you may, there is a a pamphlet that I can send you if you would like."

"Yes please." I blinked back the tears and wiped the ones that escaped from my face.

"Very well. I'm sorry Ms. Swan good bye." I stared at the phone in my hand as I stared out the window, seeing nothing.

I had never wanted to just curl up and let the world pass me by, but at that moment there was nothing I wanted to do more than to curl up in a dark corner and pretend that my life wasn't in shambles. I stood from the floor and made my way to Charlie's room. I wanted to check on him and Anna before I retreated to my safe haven.

"Is everything okay?" I asked as I pushed open Charlie's door.

"He's fine, sleeping peacefully." Anna said from her spot beside his bedside.

"Thank you. I'm going to head upstairs, if you need me just yell."

"I will do, get some rest you look exhausted." She had no idea, and I nodded as I turned and made my way through the house.

I pushed my bedroom door shut and climbed into bed after slipping my jeans down my legs, followed shortly by my bra. I climbed into the bed and felt so childish as I pulled the comforter over my head and burrowed myself underneath the down cover.

My body shook with the force of my tears, I cried loudly unable to quiet the hiccups as my grief and frustrations tore through me.

Asking 'why me?' had always seemed so ridiculous to me but at that moment I screamed it in my head. What had I done so wrong that I deserved this life? Had I been that bad of a person that the fates wanted to make my life a living hell? Had I racked up so much negative karma in another life that it was bleeding into this one?

I laid in that bed, for hours crying myself into an exhausted fitful sleep. I woke the next morning, my body aching almost as badly as my head. I realized sometime later that I had missed my date with Jake but found it impossible to pick up the phone and call. I needed time to heal, to figure out what I needed to do.

I ached each day for Jake, it didn't matter how busy I was I always seemed to feel his absence from my life and so many times I stopped at the phone and always I walked away without calling.

I realized a week later that Jake had finally given up on me. I knew it was coming and I couldn't blame him at all for finally tiring of me and the drama in which I suddenly found myself drowning in.


	6. Chapter 5

"He seemed to be doing so good." Sue stated as we were clearing the table a few hours later.

I had to agree it seemed to be so good for Charlie. I saw moments of the man I remembered as we all sat at the table. "Yeah I'm so happy I did this."

"I'm sorry Jake couldn't be here." Sue said without turning to look at me.

"Well he's busy, I didn't give much notice I understand that he didn't have time to change plans." I saw Sue nod beside me. It was the latest lie I had thought of to cover for his dismissal of me.

An hour later I stood on the stoop waving as the Clearwater's and Billy pulled out of the driveway. I turned back into the house, locking the door behind me. Harry and Seth had moved the table back against the wall and helped me move the living room back into it's normal layout before they left, and for that I was so grateful. It had been a job moving all the furniture on my own and as I yawned I realized that I just didn't have the energy to move it all back into place.

I jumped as someone knocked on the door. I looked around the room wondering what they had forgotten. I saw no jacket or purse as I turned toward the door. I gasped as I pulled open the door. A Black stood on the stoop but not the one I expected. I stared at Jake for a moment, unable to move. He shifted his weight, pushed his hands further in his pockets and I realized that I was staring at him as he stood there in thirty degree weather.

"Sorry!" I exclaimed softly as I pulled the door open wider.

"Thanks." He replied just as softly and stepped into the house. My breath left me in a rush as I felt his warmth as he passed me. I pushed the door closed slowly and followed him into the living room.

"I think we need to talk." He sat on the edge of the seat in Charlie's recliner his elbows on his knees, his hands grasped tightly. I nodded silently and sat down on the couch beside him, pulling my legs up underneath me. "I'm sorry for not coming tonight. I just," He paused as if trying to pick out the words, "I just couldn't."

I sighed, I knew I didn't deserve his explanation. I hadn't explained myself to him all the times I had hurt him, "It's okay Jake. I understand."

"No, I don't think you do." He replied and he stood moving toward the window, turning his back to me. I watched Jake as he crossed his arms over his chest as if to hold himself together as he inhaled slowly before he spoke, "When you left for college I felt like you were telling me good bye for good." I didn't want to tell him that somewhere in my mind I thought the same thing. I knew I loved Jake, had loved him since I was a little girl when I still believed in Prince Charming and gallant steeds; but I thought I wanted something more, something more exciting than Forks, something more than Jake.

"But for a while we were okay and I started to relax. I thought we would make it. That you would come back home, or maybe that I'd come to you for a while before we came back here. Then the calls started getting shorter, Dad always told me it was because you were so busy, suddenly too busy for me.

"When Dad called you, he didn't even tell me. I was with Mitch in the emergency room until he died. I came down the hallway and saw you there, knowing that you were breaking inside and suddenly it didn't matter anymore that you hadn't had time for me. Suddenly I knew what I was supposed to do. I picked you up then, and carried you until you could stand on your own again," And he had. He had been my island as my life battered me black and blue, until I wanted to lie down and die.

"I hated what had happened to Charlie and I would have never wished anything like that on anyone, but I was so happy to have you back. I had missed you so much, I missed our Sunday afternoons. I guess I just assumed that you had too, but slowly you started to push me away again. For a while I ignored it, then I tried to ignore it and finally I couldn't ignore it anymore. I didn't expect anything from you. All I wanted to do was take care of you, to be there for you, to do whatever whenever you needed it, but you wouldn't let me do any of that for you." He turned to me then, "Do you have any idea what it's like to love someone so deeply that you would do anything for them, that you would die for them, and they won't let you take care of them?" I shook my head because I didn't know. I had loved Jake like that but he had never kept me at arms length. If he needed me, he let me take care of him. "It's hell." He stated and turned back to the window. "So I did the only thing I could do. I left you alone, it seemed like that's what you wanted. You didn't call when I didn't come with Billy that first week, and you didn't call when I didn't show up on Sunday. By Christmas I had given up all hope. I figured that you really didn't even notice I was gone until you called me and asked to see me. "

"I noticed," I answered honestly. I stared at his impressively broad back and inhaled a deep fortifying breath. If he could be this open and honest with me, then I had to do the same. I wanted Jake back, I needed Jake in my life like I needed to breath. I couldn't go on this way. I couldn't live the rest of my life outside of his. "I noticed every time you didn't show up, but I felt like I was worthless to you. I was unable to take care of my father, and I could barely take care of myself." I folded my hands in my lap as I spoke, "I felt like I couldn't take care of you and I didn't want to keep taking from you when I had nothing to give back to you."

I heard Jake as he turned from the window and I saw his boots as he stopped in front of me. He knelt in front of me and lifted my face to look up at him, "You have always been one to get things to twisted in your mind."

"What-" I started a little hurt by his words.

"Listen to me, you know me better than anyone has ever known me. Hell sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself, so you should understand how I am. You are everything to me," His use of present tense was lost to me as I stared into his eyes, "I have spent the last year and a half trying to make myself believe that I didn't love you. That I didn't need you, or need you to need me.

"What you don't know is when Dad came home from each visit, I would ask one or two questions about Charlie then I would grill him about you. He said it was the most frustrating thing in the world; to see your face fall as you saw I wasn't with him knowing that when he got home I would bug him with questions for hours." I smiled as he did. "I don't give a shit if you feel like you had nothing to give back to me. I have spent almost my entire life loving you and while I know that I'm probably being an asshole by not giving you time to deal with all you have to deal with I've spent too much time away from you. I think that when you called me you realized that you were tired of being away from me too, or at least tired of me being away from you. So I'm sorry if you need time, I'm done." He leaned forward and took my face in his hands, his eyes staring into that deepest part of my soul, "You are going to have to deal with me in your life, taking up your time, taking care of you, being there for you whether you want me to or not."

My heart stopped, then jumped double time as I took in all he had said, "I want you here. I want you to be here to bug the hell out of me. I'm so sorry, please forgive me for all the stupid mistakes I've made."

He leaned back, releasing my face and shook his head, "No more apologies. I could apologize for giving up on you and leaving, but I'm not going to. I'm going to pick up where I left off and do what I know is right, what I want to do."

"Jake!" I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to feel his arms around me again and I pushed myself off the couch and into his arms. He laughed as he took the full brunt of my movements and feel back onto his butt. He pulled my entire body inline with his, wrapping his arms around me as I wrapped my legs around his waist, my head in the bend of his neck, inhaling his scent. I couldn't seem to get close enough to him as his warmth washed over me.

"Stay here, don't go home tonight." I said a while later as we still sat on the floor. He had moved back against Charlie's recliner but besides that we had not moved, as if moving from the floor would have ruined the moment.

"Why do you think I drove my car? I've got a week's worth of clothes in there." He answered.

I pulled away from my resting spot against his shoulder, "Really?" He grinned widely, the grin that always made my heart do flip flops and he nodded.

"I've got another bag packed for next week at Dad's." I couldn't help but laugh loving that he seemed to know how much I loved him without me having to tell him, but I knew in that instant I would tell him every day, if not every hour that I loved him. I would never let us go back to September again.


End file.
